Commitment and Getting On With Things.

I have a huge problem. It haunts me whatever I do and where ever I go. I procrastinate. I give up. I’m lazy. I have no commitment to anything and no determination to finish anything.

I frequently forget about my blog (as you can probably tell). I frequently start projects that don’t get finished. I frequently forget to do my coursework. I frequently forget to have a life.

It sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. Life passes me by and time rushes through but I’m left doing the same thing because I struggle to get out of the cycle, and when I do get out of the cycle I get disheartened and give up again. It’s utterly ridiculous. It doesn’t help that I’m in pain most of the time. I don’t want to do anything because it hurts. But that’s just another excuse. I could ignore it enough to get things done. Until recently I also had brain fog to contend with, which is less of an excuse really and more fact, and when it wasn’t there the last thing I wanted to be doing was coursework or half-finished projects, I wanted to start something new and exciting! For the cycle to start again.

I’m finally starting to get my life back on track. Nick and I have had a rough few months to be honest. My health was deteriorating, the brain fog became almost permanent and the weather is a huge factor in my health and that was also bad so it impacted my already fragile health more. I became a zombie to be honest! Then we both heard news (on the same day sadly) that people we cared for would likely be dead within a week, both were in extremely ill health and we’d been waiting to hear it for a while but it still wasn’t nice to hear and we sent the next four weekends travelling back and forth between Clacton/Brightlingsea and Brighton. We also had financial worries and accommodation worries, health concerns and university/course related problems which got worse as we both neglected them to deal with everything else.

But we’re finally recovering. We have had a crap first quarter of 2013 and have used the beginning of April to just stop, rest for a few days and start addressing everything logically and in order. It feels good to be sorting things out finally.

I had a few days off so I caught up with my coursework a little, Nick is fully up-to-date with his. Nick has a job again, our landlords offered to lower the rent and I know a bit more about what is happening from September when my charge starts nursery. I will hopefully be looking for a new 12-16 hour a week job from January which is when it’s likely I won’t be needed on a permanent basis any more with little R (<<sobs>>). I am hoping that I will still have my other job though, I don’t think I could cope with a double whammy of losing R and then the M family at the same time!

I am trying to decide whether to invest in other courses just yet or to focus on my Wood-badge for scouts before starting another course but I’ll be putting money aside just in case I do find a course.

I’m back to knitting again, I have a Pterodactyl mostly finished, I offered to do it for an MN friend back in January and he’s still on the go as I’m not sure on the colour combo. Her son likes pink, red, blue and purple. I tried to combine the colours but it’s not working well. Red got kicked out in favour of blue as he likes pink more but I think I may have to ditch either pink in favour of red or blue for red. I still haven’t worked it out.

I also have two Plesiosaurs on the go for my landlord, who wants them for some relatives she’s visiting later this month. I have a third Plesiosaur on the go too, for me and Nick, this third one is being made from left over Sidar Big Softie on 10mm needles, so is big. I am debating doubling up and doing it on 15mm needles to get it bigger but it seems to be using quite a bit of yarn already!

I finally got signed up to the doctor last week, so I booked an appointment for a week or two’s time to start the fibromyalgia diagnosis, because that is what I’m aiming for. I also saw an alternative therapist who does homoeopathy and specialises in NAET, an allergy/reaction treatment. I was really weirded out by the session actually but I’m going to see how it goes.

I also gave up gluten just over a month ago. This was after knowing for years that I had gut reactions to it and I was fed up with it, so I just went cold turkey and did it. I am amazed by the difference! Not only has my gut settled somewhat but almost immediately I noticed a difference with my bladder problems  they are still there but nowhere near as bad as they were before. Nick noticed it actually, because he realised that we’d driven from Brighton to Chelmsford before we stopped and went to the loo, and we only stopped because he needed to go. Not me. We usually stop at Pease Pottage or Clacket Lane services. I wondered if it was a fluke but, as I said above, we went home numerous times over four weeks and it was a similar story each time we travelled, we’d stop once each way on the latter half of the journey, whereas only weeks before we stopped repeatedly. I have also noticed a huge and again, almost immediate change in my brain fogginess. I sent most of December to March in a brain fog. I could concentrate at work but as soon as I was home, I was out of it. I couldn’t tell you what I did even on a weekly basis and I had to write down conversations with bosses as I got into my car to leave work to remember them. Since giving up gluten I’m able to think again. I’m feeling more like me again, and it’s a great feeling! I couldn’t have gluten as a regular thing in my diet again, even when I’ve cocked up I’ve noticed the change.

So I’ll end this epic post by saying that I’m going to try harder. I’m going to take control of my life again, do what I want to do and not make excuses again. My health does limit me, but I’m not going to use it as am excuse any more.

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