A year later! New record?

I kind of went off of blogging for a while. I still am off of it really, but I do keep one thing updated and that’s a facebook page for my rats. I just want to start keeping a log of crafting and things so thought I’d use this one.

For an update:

  • I now have six rats and am acquiring another tomorrow. Howl and Haku are my big boys, born Dec 2013. Nibbles, my old lady, she’s over 2 and was a rescue (we got her with her companion Ruby who died in August). Zhaan and Aeryn, my younger girls, born in June 2014 and Ashi, my little runty boy, born at the end of September last year. We’re getting another tomorrow, a 6mo girl named Oreo.
  • We’re getting married on the 8th of May! Woo!
  • I now work 3 days a week and do extra bits and pieces when it suits me, which has been amazing for me, my health and life outside of work!
  • I have learnt to crochet! Only granny squares though.
  • I now have a nice collection of board games ;)

I have a nice balance at the moment. I have been seeing a counsellor and my last session was today, so I’m in a decent state of mind at the moment I think. Apart from being thoroughly obsessed with rats, people do think you’re odd for that ;)

So, yeah. Who knows what this will be used for. I think that I just want to catalog any craft attempts and my colouring book pictures, because I want somewhere to keep track of everything.

A catch up

So I haven’t updated in a while, what’s new with that? -_-

Things are different now. Nick was offered a brilliant, year long placement which starts in September. He’s trying to find a summer placement for the time between finishing uni and starting his placement too.

I got made redundant again. So I was to be left with a before/after school job three days a week which was rather inflexible due to the bosses job, and thought that I’d be fucked to be honest. But my local agency advertised something that looked intriguing, a three day a week position on Fridays, Saturdays and one other day of nanny’s choosing, which suited me perfectly as my before/after school job is Mondays/Wednesdays/Thursdays. So I applied, and subsequently got it :) I started on the 2nd of January and I love it. It’s bloody tough working six days a week but when the school year is up I’ll most likely finish my before/after school job. My new job is 28 hours and well paid, so I’ll be earning slightly more than I did when trying to juggle two jobs before, which is nice. It will also leave me four days a week to do what I want. Likely a day of that will be ad-hoc work but if I don’t fancy it I won’t do it. I just have to get to July first…

We have acquired four pet rats. They are gorgeous! Two girls and two boys, the girls are called Ruby and Nibbles (a year old and rescues, we didn’t name them!) and the boys are called Howl and Haku (three months old and yes, we named them!)

I have a doctor who is taking me seriously and is referring me to the CFS/Fibro clinic after another round of blood testing which is in a few weeks.

We’re having French lessons now too.

We have a flat which we’ll hopefully live in for a couple of years. And we are ‘officially’ engaged :)

So a lot of changes! Photos to follow!

5 Days in and I’m struggling

Sounds about right for me right? I haven’t practised French since the first. Well done me -_-

I completely forgot about it after the first to be honest. The past few weeks have been really busy and I’ve been neglecting to think about things that I was avoiding anyway, and the shit hit the fan, so they say.

I have two signs that I’ve stuck on the side of my PC Tower which sits on my desk. One says “I AM IMPORTANT“. Cheesey, but I forget this too often. I am important, mentally, emotionally and physically, every part of me is important. Something I need to keep remembering and working on. The other is a note from Nick.

I was having a shit time of it a few weeks back, really panicking about money and work and I came home from work to a lovely bouquet of flowers on my desk with a note that said “I Love You. Everything will get better xxx”
And it will. It has to.

I got quite upset and spoke to Nick again yesterday and we’re going to try and find him a placement closer and commutable from Brighton. If we don’t and have to live separately we’ll be left with no money again and will likely end up in debt trying to run two households, two cars and two separate lives on our incomes. We don’t earn enough separately to live apart and especially for me to live where I do, which would mean losing every work contact I have made and trying to start again in a different area of Sussex which would be a nightmare frankly, especially as it’s taken me two years to build up the ones I have, and to be honest, they have exploded over the past few months through the connections I made earlier on so I’d be loathed to leave it now!

So once again I’m starting again. Savings have been raided to pay the bill for my tooth and the car insurance which is coming up and hopefully I’ll be starting on a clean slate come January financially and everything else.

30 Day Challenges

I tend to do a lot of “Oh I want to get better and do X, Y and Z in order to do that.” And I get off to a great start, for a week. Then I give up because it takes too much time and I forget and so on and so forth.

So I have decided to jump on the 30 Day Challenge bandwagon.

This month I am going to commit to practising French everyday for 30 days. This is more to get into the habit of finding time when I’m busy, as it has slid over the past couple of weeks thanks to my workload increasing!


So, French for 30 days starting today. Let the challenge begin :)

Learning French

I thought that I should update you on my progress, seeing as it’s been three weeks since I posted about it. I am doing alright. I have practised most days. I’m at level 5 on Duolingo and have roped Nick into it too.

I can tell you all that j’aime les robes rouges and le chat est noir, though I can’t really say much that would actually be of use at the moment as I’m constantly redoing the lessons on the basics to cement it in! I have found that if I don’t practice, I do find it more difficult the next day, so it’s something I am trying to stick to.

To This Day – Speech and Spoken Poem by Shane Koyczan

The animation below, the talk itself (with animation) above. Worth watching one or both. Being bullied is not about kids being kids and kids being cruel. It stays with you your entire life. It’s not about getting over it, it’s about moving past it, keeping it with you and trying to make something from it to become stronger. It’s much much easier said than done.

To those of you with children, if your child tells you that they are bullied DO something, don’t tell them that it’ll stop one day and that they’ll grow up to be happy and have friends, because they won’t magically grow up to be happy and the self doubt and low if not non-existent opinion of self worth will always be something they struggle with. Whilst the ability to make friends becomes an uphill struggle when you can’t trust people to not turn on you the minute you think you finally have a friend.

I was bullied relentlessly foe my entire school career and in work as a teen. My Mum would hear my sobbing at night and I’d sob into her arms and she’d always say “I only had one friend growing up and I am fine now.” But she wasn’t and she’s still not. She struggles with depression. As an adult I struggle with depression. I struggle with people and making connections and friends. I have no friends apart from Nick. Every time I come close to making one I back away, terrified of being dropped again as has happened a thousand times before. Terrified that, if I share information that once again that information will be spread and turned against me, even something as innocuous as telling somebody that I love elephants. I’m terrified of taking a chance at something just in case I fail, because every time I have done something before and it’s gone wrong that too has been used against me. Even when I have an idea that could feasibly work I give up before I’ve even started.

Bulling is almost like training. I’ve been trained to think as little of myself as possible. Trained to quash my own dreams and live with my own fears. Trained to avoid people and interaction. Trained to hold inside all emotion and shy away from any connection. Trained to hate myself. How is that something somebody can just ‘get over’ the minute they turn 18?

As a finite result, my future children will never go to school. I will never allow that to happen. My experience of school was miserable and it still makes my life miserable and there is no way in hell I will ever put my child through that to get ignored when they cry out for help and to eventually accept that all they’ll ever be is a worthless loner. Fuck that.

I’m slowly getting there, slowly accepting that people may actually have an interest in me and slowly coming to realise that somebody can love me so I should be able to love myself. It’s never something I will get over and I’m always going to carry it with me. It’s wrong, I shouldn’t have to get anywhere as it should never have happened. I wonder what my life would have been like had somebody stepped in sooner? If my Mum had actually done something about it and raised merry hell to stop it or if my Dad had even cared about it.

Kids are not just being kids, brushing it off as “kids being cruel” is not fucking acceptable. Why is this something that still happens? Why is it something that we still accept?